| here i am. flesh, blood, & weakness |
[01 Dec 2009|01:04am] |
i simply cannot take it anymore. i try and i try. i give and i give. but what do i receeve in return? sadness, disappointment, regret, confusion. i'm so tired of trying to give someone a piece of my heart and them throwing it back in my face like its a steaming pile of shit. i just don't want to deal with the hurt anymore. i honestly don't know what i can do differently to prove to someone, anyone out there, that i'm worthy of loving or appreciating or even giving me the time of day. im just sad and lonely sometimes. now is one of those times and one of my new biggest fears is dying alone with nothing to show of myself or my life. i crave a family and the unconditional love you feel for your children, something you bore yourself. a combination of you and your partner. its indescribable. if i don't experience that, i will never be fully happy.
i think this particular situation in my life is all the more upsetting because it's the one person i've cared about for the longest amount of time and i knew he cared for me too, more so than he had for any other female. i trusted him not to hurt me. looking at that now, i find it pretty idiotic of me only because i once hurt him without reason. i guess i can blame karma and myself and i do. the sad thing is, despite all the nonsense that just happened, i still want him more than anyone else out there right now. i mean i could obviously meet someone and want them more and forget all about my current problem. but i don't want to. i just want to work things out with him and give us a second chance. he ignored me and acted like he never said any of the things he said to me for a reason i can't figure out. i don't want to waste time thinking about it anymore but i can't help it. that's twice that i've been burned in the past couple months and i don't really know how much more i want to take. the problem is i want someone else beside me so badly that i won't quit. today is a bad day but tomorrow is a new one. i won't ever give up on love even though i've never experienced it. i'll keep trying by sitting back and waiting for it to find me. in the mean time, ill continue to appreciate and love my closest friends and family who support me no matter what and try and do nothing but keep me happy. i love them all and im so glad i have them here with me to help me through my bad days. 
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| step on people like you do |
[08 Nov 2009|11:52pm] |
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so, i'm slowly learning that you really can't get along with everyone. with every snide comment, rude tone, or mood swing, you push my buttons even harder than before. it didn't used to be like this and i don't understand why things changed. it's not like all the sudden you or i changed into completely different people. i guess i really do just need to sit and talk to you - voice my observations a little bit. i know im not alone but ill be the enforcer i suppose. things just can't carry on like this because half the time im here im not happy. i don't blame you but you do contribute whether you know it or not. and i refuse to put up with it. sorry.
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| there's no one in town i know. |
[04 Nov 2009|12:56am] |
apparently, i am much more emotional than i thought. you meet someone new. you think okay, this person is fun and quirky and honest. and a really good kisser (bonus). you hang out. you laugh. you talk. you learn things about each other. you make a choice. you hang out some more. and then, something changes without your knowledge and the other person doesn't bother to let you in on the supposed epiphany they've just had. no, no, no.. they allow you to continue thinking everything is fine and dandy and exactly the same. maybe even better than the same. so how exactly are you supposed to feel when they tell you that you make them feel trapped? like they're not the same and that something is missing when they're with you? oh let me just brush that off my subhuman shoulder. like i have feelings and its not exactly right for you to stomp all over them via text message out of the fucking blue. i feel so stupid. i let myself go. i was giving it a chance. i got it shoved in my face. i don't really think i deserved that. all i did was try. i was one hundred percent myself for once. i wasn't trying to impress you and i wasn't trying to overpower you. i went with the flow completely. and its kind of funny how i wasn't so sure in the beginning; i had second thoughts constantly and i was falling into my usual pattern of talking myself out of it for whatever bullshit reason i could conjure up. well, i managed to push myself past that for once in my life and now i feel like a total idiot for doing that. i gave in to what you wanted only to somewhat regret it a couple weeks later. if you were feeling different, why on earth did you act exactly the same?! why did you still invite me over and why did you still kiss me like you always did? why couldn't you just let me know then before i invested more of myself and my time into everything. i am a fucking female therefore i don't handle rejection well. and the way you handled it was not the right way.
whatever. its over and done with and im moving along i guess. it's funny in the way that its not funny that you think everything is going so well or at least well, the same it was before, and then everything gets flipped upside down on top of you. im cool as shit yet im not good enough for you. ironic. and when i say its fine, its really not. in this case at least. and the fac that you want to still be friends blows my mind. you cant just do that when you know flat out that im hurting mainly because i said "i'm hurting." you can't have your cake and eat it too. everyone knows that. I JUST FEEL FUCKING STUPID.
again.
awesome.
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| zombie |
[06 Oct 2009|12:36am] |
its weird how sometimes we do things we never thought we would.
or the way things ripple into later actions we wouldn't normally do had we not done the first action.
sometimes i wish i hadn't done it and hten other times i wonder what it would be like now if i hadn't.
there's too many what if's in the world for me to handle sometimes. one thing i will absolutely never question is my family. i went and saw tyler this weekend in gainesville and i realized how much i really do miss him and how happy i am that we're finally close. it may have taken 17 years but we got there and that's all that really matters. he just had a birthday - 22. time flies. its sad but at the same time i love watching him grow up and im sure he finds it rather interesting watching me as well. things have certainly changed between us for the better and im very glad. it's really hard saying goodbye to him. i may have squirt a tear or two on the drive away from him. its just now we're down to visits. and we only live a couple hours away. what is it going to be like a few years from now? will it be the same? how often will we see each other? he's someone i want to have in my life as a big part as he has been. im scared for what the future holds when it comes to things like this. not just with my brother but with my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. i love my family to death and its hard enough not seeing half of them very often. they really are something to cherish. no matter how disfunctional or weird or amazing they are, they're my family. we are one motley crew let me tell you. but i wouldn't trade them for anything. they've helped make me me. and i love them every second of the day.
i've also decided that there are certain things you should only stress over for so long. for example, i took my physics test today. i don't think i did very well but what's the point in dwelling? do better next time. make up for it somehow. its not the end of the world just yet. i can't suddenly know the answers. i can't suddenly go back in time and study more. what's done is done. so get over it.
we keep the people we want in our lives. if you want to make amends with someone, do it. don't wait for them to make the first move. i made that move today and i'm very glad that i did. there are just some people i don't want to be out of my loop no matter what other people think of them. that's another thing, do not and i repeat do not let people dictate what you do, who you like, how you live. i made that mistake once of giving in to opinion and i made a huge mistake. i don't regret it because i've learned from it. i'm lucky enough to still have that person in my life even though he's hanging by a thread. im surprised he's stuck around this long even. what could he possibly still see in me? i guess people surprise you more often than not.
so lucky, so strong, & so proud.
i don't want to ever regret not saying something to someone or picking a stupid argument and never being able to apologize. life is far too quick to let silly things get in the way of living life with the people you love. so if you make a mistake, realize it, and fix it. don't waste time waiting on someone else to apologize. the song may angels lead you in by jimmy eat world drives in this point and that's why i love it. its about living without regret. your words to someone always have the possibility of being the last words you ever get to say to someone as depressing as that sounds. its true though. and i don't ever want to say something to someone and have something awful happen to them and me regret it for the rest of my life! when i was a sophomore, i went and visited my grandma at hope hospice. she was on her death bed and everyone knew it. she was completely drugged up but i'll still never forget the last words she said to me or more like the room around me : "get her out of here. i don't want her to see me like this. why is she here?" it literally took everything i had to not die right in front of her. im so glad that i stayed strong to this day but i still won't ever forget the look on her face and the tone in her voice and the message she was really sending behind those words. she was embarrassed and sad. i hugged her and said i loved her, walked out of that hospital and sobbed on the sidewalk. its not that i didn't know that she didn't mean it. its just hearing words like that aren't exactly going to go over well. i knew it was going to be the last time i saw her which is why i didn't leave when she said that. i sat in my corner and held it together. i still got to tell her i loved her instead of running out. you can't just run out on life when it gets rough. people aren't going to sugar coat everything for you. even family hurts you and they usually know how to hurt you the most by saying the harshest thing if they really want to. life creeps up on you real fast but rather than run towards my past hoping to gain some time back, i want to embrace it for all its worth. it has a lot to offer me and i intend to get all i want out of it:
i want a huge family. i want babies. beautiful babies with an amazing partner in life. one who shares some ideas on life with me and who will see all the world has to offer by my side. there's someone out there for everyone and i plan on finding my someone. i want to travel. i want to live near my family. i want to work and love what i do. i want to help people. i want trust, happiness, love, and peace to surround me and the ones i love most dearly. i want to be able to sit and reflect on my life when im an old woman with wrinkles and grey hair and know that i lived to the fullest, and took in everything for all its worth. i lived me life the way i wanted to.
and that's what im doing right now. you can count on that.can you say the same?
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| is there anybody out there? |
[30 Sep 2009|12:31pm] |
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things are looking up.
gainesville this weekend. finally get to see my brother and celebrate his birthday with him.
i think i did exceedingly well on my psych test so im really excited.
trig was eh as always. but i will for sure be ready for that damn test on wednesday next week.
physics got moved to monday so now i have to stress a little bit more.
but now im down to one test a day instead of two on wednesday. optimism is key.
now i have one monday tuesday and wednesday.
then i can breathe..
hm im hungry. toods.
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| have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air? |
[28 Sep 2009|12:05am] |
so its becoming more and more obvious that people change. time goes by and sometimes people go with it. but that's life right? people come in and out of it. i guess my whole confusion with this idea is that once you leave, you should be gone. just the other day he told me he just wanted to be friends and that he was sorry for being mean or whatever. if you had just left it as it was instead of trying to make us something completely impossible we would not be in this situation. the second you said those words, you lost any grip you may have had over me. i wanted to to keep you in my life because you became a part of it. you started to scare me with some of the things you were saying and i was on the verge of blowing up on you. then i ignored you for a few days and then you understood that we should just be friends. for some reason though, i still get freaked out whenever you call. i make up excuses to press silent and i text you saying sorry i was busy doing such and such. i had this beautiful image of you somewhere in the corners of my mind and every now and then i liked to bring them to the forefront and remember why i did what i did. and then i think of what you said and it just makes me want to push you down, down, down away from my thoughts. i don't feel bad for not saying it back at all. that would have been a total lie and im not going to lie to you like that. why can't you just go back to being the normal you i was soo happy with? remind me of why i changed my rules for you. i don't think you can.
it seems like things can't ever really go my way. at least romantically. sure i make stupid decisions sometimes. more so recently than in the past. i just want somebody, ya know? like, someone i can call to just hang out with and be myself around. like i have my guy friends here that i can do that with and i absolutely love having them in my life. they give me guy advice and i laugh at the ridiculous stories and perceptions they have on us girls. but i want someone. someone to look at me and see what no ones ever seen before including myself. someone to make me feel good and like im worth something. not just a one night thing. not just another girl they can put on some list somewhere that show all their buddies when they get bored. i look around me, and so many of my friends are with all these great guys or great relationships. am i so terrible? am i really that bad? i just want the person i want to want me back. so much easier thought than done. i just feel like there's something missing from my life. i love all of my friends and the people in my life and the things going on in my life don't get me wrong. it's just that everyone needs some sort of reassurance every now and again and i don't feel like i ever get that. i've always been in a sense alone. my longest relationship was a month and a half long. and for what? just to say i had a boyfriend? well things are different now. i want someone i can be happy with. i finally feel like im ready and there's absolutely no one around.
all i want is to love and to be loved. apparently, that's a lot to ask for. and its moments like these i let myself cry over boys even though there actually aren't any really in the picture. i'm really crying for myself out of pity.
no one gets to come in. i am folded and unfolded and unfolding. i am colorblind.
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[20 Sep 2009|11:28pm] |
so what do you do when someone tells you they love you? most people would jump at the chance to say it back. i guess i just have really shitty luck. the last thing i wanted to do was say it back. i can't sit there and be that dishonest with someone. i thought i cared so much about you back when i met you and when we were together. it's like you've done a total 180. you just really aren't the person i thought you were. and you most certainly aren't the person i want you to be. i really hope, in this situation, that you're one of those people that talks about doing something but never actually follows through. your dream is to move to florida but recently that dream has narrowed down to tallahassee and i really hope that has nothing to do with me. i can't be with you. you actually kind of scare me. at least lately you have been. i don't know what happened to you or what's happening to you but something needs to be changed for your own health and for other people's safety. like that sounds so dramatic but im one hundred percent serious.
moving on from psycho talk. i finally decorated my room a little bit and i love it! i just need to tape more pictures on the wall so there's less white space. natasha and i painted for the living room too and i think they look really good.
i think im becoming stronger with certain situations. like i don't know. i have fairly good self control like over my hands especially when it comes to wanting to text people. i just feel like even though i overanalyze sometimes it comes in handy. its because i overanalyze that i decide to use my self control. i kinda save my own ass.
this was totally pointless. im going to sleep.
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| it's gonna be true |
[13 Sep 2009|11:49pm] |
seriously, i am so thankful to have a girl that can keep me balanced. lately, i have been expressing my emotions more outrightly just because i think i've had them so bottled up from the past or from just stupid shit i didn't feel like bringing up. so, now when i get really upset or angry or whatever, i blow up more than i should. like, i've always had a little bit of a temper but it takes a big thing to set it off. however, recently its been coming up a lot more. maybe its stress. maybe it is the whole bottling them up thing isn't working anymore. maybe its because i hate bullshit and im so over dealing with it.
thank the high heavens for the munchkin i live with because she talks me down. its usually just the little things that get to me so she has a good clever way of putting them into perspective enough for me to forget about it. tonight for example, a stupid fuck decided to try and pick a fight with me sort of. like he brought up something that could have easily been avoided had he not been so insanely sensitive. apparently, im a real bitch when im sober but when im drunk, i might as well have the same amount of niceness in my body as mother fucking teresa. GIVE ME A BREAK. and then when i get mad for him trying to start this and i even say why are you trying to start this when you know it will end badly, he doesn't back down. and then you wonder why i hang up the phone. what is the point in arguing when you live a thousand miles away? i honestly don't see it. if you could make me see it that would be fantastic. and then you text me saying i knew something was wrong thats why i brought it up. umm, weird because i was one hundred percent fine until you brought this unnecessary shit up. i don't even know what you're talking about. just get out of my life please. pretty fucking please. im over it and im definitely over you. buh bye.
on the other hand, natasha can stay forever. she is my newfound rock. love her to pieces. <3
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[13 Sep 2009|01:22am] |
insecurity.
completely underestimated. sometimes i don't realize how much it can grip a person just because i guess it doesn't have as big of a hold on me as i once thought it did. it's sort of depressing to see people so uncomfortable with themselves or their bodies. they constantly compare themselves to other women, specifically models in this case which is just ridiculous because, let's face it, they make up like less that 1% of the world's population. be happy with what you look like. you can't change it anyway unless you get plastic surgery i suppose but i would really hope you wouldn't. you are a beautiful girl and i just wish you would let others believe that. your insecurity could be the reason why you fail in certain aspects of your life and that's not okay. i think you can change but i'm not sure because i don't think you'll ever be satisfied.
euphoria.
i am so lucky to have certain people touch my life on an everyday basis. blessed. my roommates are all wonderful, gorgeous people inside and out and i feel very indebted to god for putting them in my life. everyone else around me is complaining and bitching about their situation in some little or big way and i seriously have zero problems with who i live with or how we live. i'm sure eventually we'll have a tiff but i am extremely confident that it will blow over quickly. i know that i said some things recently but everyone gets upset and finds some way to express whatever anguish or anger or disappointment they're feeling at that moment. reflecting on that conversation, i realize thats all i was doing. and its me that needs to just relax and chill the fuck out.
confusion with a side of contentment.
i honestly couldn't tell you what's going on in the love department. not that you can really call it that. i'm pretty positive that the only person i want is someone out of reach. maybe not by far but out of reach nonetheless. maybe we are only physical. maybe brooke was right. but maybe i'm simply overanalyzing because it's fresh. yeahhh. plus a wise man told me recently that afterwards females release the same hormones they release when they're in love. sooo maybe that's my problem. who knowrsssss. i wish i could just shut my brain off. hmm, invention. i think yes. i'm finally content however because i have one off my back. finally told the god's honest truth - all of it - and he didn't take it as bad as i expected. that's good. one down, one to go. this one will be harder and that's probably why i'm avoiding the hell out of it. ugh. whyyyyyyy? it's not that i would only be hurting you. like i almost feel like your family would hate me too and i don't want that at all! i love them and i really liked you but you stop showing any interest whatsoever. i move quickly like if you show that you're over it or you're not trying to keep in contact AT ALL, i will move on. i don't like to waste time or sit around wondering why you're not calling / texting. well just saying i miss you babe or i can't wait to see you babe every 8 days doesn't mean that you really do miss me. you're just keeping me on the way side but im not that type of girl. sorry for being that way...? no thats a lie. im not sorry. i feel sorry for any girl thats content with being on the side for whenever it feels convenient for you. not a doormat. even though that's not the right comparison. you'll find someone right? just tell me you don't need me. make it easier for me please so i can stop feeling like a guilty bitch. fuck. i just need to take care of this. as soos as possible. but i keep putting it off.. surprising.
too much thinking. correction: too much of the same thinking. i am so tired of it. so im sure everyone else is tired of me thinking about it.
adios. off to dream of my perfect world.
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| i hope you stay, beautiful baby |
[08 Sep 2009|10:37pm] |
i feel as though i have been born again or perhaps i'm looking into a new light. one that's guiding me to a new path. one that leads me away from the things i thought made me happy in the past, just a few months ago even. its honestly so strange how things seem so incredibly important when you're living in that actual moment but when you look back and reminisce on that specific event, you realize that it was just another tiny piece of your life puzzle. he was extremely important and his piece is maybe double or quadruple the size of a normal piece but nonetheless, he has now been put on the backburner. the things he says to me now almost make me chuckle a little on the inside. i wanted SO badly for you to just acknowledge me and want me in the same way i wanted you; to make things work at all costs. you weren't having it so i moved on. easier than i thought. now when you say things like "when i move to florida.." "you're the only girl i can see myself in a relationship with..." or "when we live together.." it makes me a little distraught to say the least. you really just don't get it. at the same time though, im too afraid, too much of a chickenshit, to tell you that's not what i want at all. not even close. you are old to me. i am new. there's no room for old in new. sorry.
my rebirth was caused by someone else. even if nothing comes out of it, he's totally changed my outlook on a couple big things. its really funny how things progress over time. from being little kids and him throwing sand at me like it was the funniest thing in the world or making fun of my best friend and i running around catching toads to whatever we are now. things change thats for damn sure. i felt so insanely and weirdly comfortable with you and i don't know why. like, you think you'd be extra nervous with someone you know really well and that you grew up with but it actually made things easier for me. he was the one that was awkward at first surprisingly. once we got past that small hiccup, things were amazing. we made fun of each other and laughed and remembered the old times. it was a really honest night and morning. if thats what its like, i can't wait for it to happen again. maybe not even with him but thats the type of person i need in my life. someone who can laugh with me when i make fun of him and likewise for me. someone who im not embarrassed with and that i can just be playful with. its so important to me. like, those are the things i look for in people. not to mention, i think this particular one is outrageously good looking.
all i know is that i really, really, REALLY like the new in my life. its much better than the old.
also, today i got to enjoy the lovely task of explaining to my dad what a keg stand was and why i was tagged in a picture doing one. he then laughed it off when i explained it was my neighbors party which i walked home from. uncle's getting chewed out for that one!
we lost to miami which makes me really mad but the game was so close i think we'll be okay.
im off to bed.
until more new comes along, goodnight.
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| a twilight unto the heights. |
[01 Sep 2009|10:47pm] |
i feel like aspects of my world are upside down. the things you want to go right find a way to go slightly wrong while the things you don't really care for, the things you threw to the side, manage to wriggle their way back into your mind, day, life. and when i say things, i mean people; relationships. the one i want to stick with me - the one thats best for me - is not showing that he wants to be there, that he wants to be the one to call me his own. we don't fight. we accept each other and our daily situations. we cuddle. we laugh. we just get each other. i care. but just because you call me babe or baby doesn't mean i am. you have a lot of qualities i like; that i value. but you're missing some big ones. big ones that have to do with forming a relationship with a person. i just think you're young at mind. you're not sure what to do or what to say. your friends all have their little girlfriends and you thought it would be a good idea to find someone to pose as a girlfriend.. to take that role. why not me? its not hard to text someone and say i miss you with absolutely no feeling behind it. it's called a lie and people lie all the time. the hard part is figuring out if that's what you're doing or if you feel like you really don't have to put any effort in? everything can't be just peachy when i come home for my visits. it will always be hard when i'm this far away and i don't know why you even want to do this. why do i even want to do this? i never felt some insane connection with you like i have in the past but there was something i liked about you. a lot. i think it was your quite almost naive nature. you were like a cute little boy that i could play with for a while. but i never stopped playing. you treated me differently and you took me to your home and into your life and i really like that. i'm just having doubts because i don't feel what you're feeling and you never show me if its real or not. you say i miss you but how much do you really miss me if you don't ever pick up a phone. when we talk, that's all you say. we're at a standstill; a plateau on a graph. im not a plateau kind of girl. things have to change or im probably not going to linger much longer.
now, onto the wrong who crawled back in under the radar. i already know he means nothing. well, not nothing. that's a really bad way to put it. he took a massive thing away from me. so he means something. but he disappeared. he left me in the dust with a big question mark in my head. another one of those guys that knows a lot of the right things to say but can't or won't back them up. well he blew me off long enough for me to realize he wasn't going to be anything more than a memory and that i needed to move on with my life instead of staggering in my self pity party. now, he calls. he shows a different kind of interest i don't see in theo ne i wish i saw it in. even though its insanely late at night and half the time he wakes me from my slumber in the middle of shitty dream, i still want to answer. i want to hear his voice even if its only for a few seconds. i longed so much to hear it in the time when he wouldn't let me and now that i can, its not what i thought it would be. don't get me wrong, i love his voice and the fact that he even thinks to call. i appreciate the gesture more than i thought i would after i was over him. it proves that he's a better guy than i was thinking he was for a while. i miss him a lot and i found it hard to answer the question i posed on myself: if i had the choice, who would i rather see? and when i answered, i was actually sort of sad. because i realized i can't see him because of the distance. the boy im supposedly doing long distance with right now falls below the boy i had a week long fling with. its sad for two reasons. sad that even after what he did to me, i would still give up what i have now to risk things with him again. and its sad because i thought i was developing stronger feelings for the one now that obviously aren't as great as i thought. which then makes me pose another question on myself : am i wasting my time?
i'm honestly just going through one of those thinking stages that take place in my day and this just so happens to be the one where i overanalyze and complicate everything in my life. this is simply a stream of conscience i needed to get off of my chest. nothing will be done and i am unphased.
and so the cycle continues...
your fingertips across my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind
you sang me spanish lullabies
the sweetest sadness in your eyes
well i never want to see you unhappy,
i thought you'd want the same for me.
goodbye my almost lover.
goodbye my hopeless dream.
i'm trying to think about you,
can't you just let me be?
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should've known you'd bring me heartache.
almost lovers always do.
we walked along a crowded street.
you took my hand and danced with me.
and when you left, you kissed my lips.
you told me you would never, never forget
these images.
i cannot go to the ocean
i cannot drive the streets at night
i cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind.
so you're gone and i'm haunted
and i bet you are just fine.
did i make it that easy
to walk right in and out of my life?
goodbye my almost lover. goodbye my hopeless dream. should've known you'd bring me heartache.
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[23 Aug 2009|11:43pm] |
ugh did i just make another mistake. i pressed send and put it all out there for like the fifth time with the same person.
holding my breath...
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| damn |
[21 Jun 2009|10:41pm] |
really?
i thought i had forgotten all about you because of all the nasty and hurtful things you said to me. you disrespected me, degraded me, yelled at me. you knew all the right things to say in order to hurt me. i sat there and probably cried for an hour after what you said. and now you want to take it all back because you care.
huh.
its honestly almost amusing how quickly you flip your switches. i don't know whether to believe you and take you for your word or keep my guard up as high as it can possibly go and start running in the opposite direction. ball of confusion. make up your damn mind.
so, maybe i hurt you indirectly by doing something i did. get over it. i didn't do it intentionally because i wouldn't actually ever do that to you. but somehow, you see no problem in tearing me down. granted, you didn't do that today. you kissed my ass a little today and it made me feel good for once knowing that i still had some control over the situation. the ball is one hundred percent in my court.
now, the only problem is what to do with this damn ball. i just had to let one go. probably the one i wanted to most. met a new one to help get the old one off my mind who im actually liking a little bit. and then you manage to crawl back into my life somehow. and so unexpectedly to boot.
why why why.
why.
ugh sometimes i wonder why this happens to me. and then i always remind myself (although this is a fairly dramatic response), god will only put you through what he knows you can handle. right now im in a moral dilemma more than anything. do i lie? do i tell the truth and watch you walk away? do i wait to tell you? do i even bother worrying about this nonsense BULLSHIT?
in the end, you won't be with me so why stress over it. well, mainly because i have a heart and apparently a little bit of a soft spot for you. i don't know.
i just don't know.
hopefully i can figure my shit out. soon. ish.
 
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| embellish. |
[16 Jun 2009|10:29pm] |
oooh where to begin. a life changing thing happened and my life is the same. its very hard to explain.
this amazing person came into my life and before i realized what he actually meant to me, he was gone.
its funny how things seem so intense and better when you know your time is limited from the get.
i had one full week with him and while it seemed like forever only a week ago, it feels like 2 hours now.
i would literally give anything to time travel a to two thursdays ago and live that week to friday over and over.
it was incredible. the closest thing i've ever had to perfect.
how many people can say that?
and i mean that in all seriousness. this person, even though we managed to fight in that short time, made me feel more alive than anyone else in the world. he showed me that i do like romance and i do like the cute little things that guys do that i thought i hated because they were "cheesy." i like holding hands and i loved the way he made me feel. i loved the way he looked at me and the way he called me senorita because he thought i was mexican and when he called me a lion on the days my hair was curly. i've never felt so ridiculously comfortable with a stranger in my entire life. from the second i met him, the walls were down. i didn't think we would actually hang out so what do i care how he thinks of me after we talk for five seconds? i never thought we would get this far. it has been yearssss since i've felt butterflies floating around inside me, tickling all the spots that target my giddyness. ugh, what is it about you?! i do not ever get like this. how do you have this power over me?! i wait by my phone. flabbergasted. i think about you constantly. dumbfounded. i know i'll see you again. no question.
it's crazy to think that you can meet someone anywhere or at any moment and that person could end up meaning so much. whether you meet them at a party you got dragged to, walking around the grocery store, or driving down 41 at midnight, you can meet someone. i feel so blessed to have met this person that made me feel the way i did and learn so much more about my emotional capacities. even if i don't see you again, you have imprinted your soul into my heart mind body essence. everything. you are now in every part of me.
so i'll sit by my phone tonight and the next night and the night after that until we slowly drift which will most likely happen. i hope that we don't fall out of touch too quickly though because of the immense connection i felt. the pull you had on me and the pull i had on you. i sincerely wish the best for him. to be happy with someone that knows how to make you happy. i wish i could be that girl. and believe, i would be that girl in a heartbeat. i miss him and i will until some new stranger casually strolls into my life and shows me even more.
what's the biggest thing i've taken away from this? it happens when you're least expecting it to and when you're not pursuing it. i met this guy when i had given up on trying to find someone new. i was settling on my past and disrespecting what i deserve. well ladies, i found what i deserved driving down the road singing along to my stereo at midnight. crazier things have probably happened. all i know is that im happy. im the happiest i've been in a long time. and if i cry its because i miss you and what you brought to my life. i will never regret you. and the day things change between us i will be sad but i'll be okay because i know it has to happen. and just like you said, what we felt was real and if its meant to be it will work itself out. im not much of a believer in fate but i can definitely say that my perspective on it has changed fairly drastically in the past couple weeks. i refuse to put our situation in fate's hands for the fear of being let down but im keeping it in the back of my mind. baby, i miss you and you'll always be in the back of my mind. i want nothing more than to kiss you right now and listen to you singing softly in my ear with your awful voice. nothing would make me happier. i can only pretend and i will until i see your beautiful face again...
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| everything is falling apart at the seams.. |
[22 May 2009|11:04pm] |
i don't know what to make of this thing called life. everyone says life is short but is it really? we all get a certain amount of time to do what we feel we need or want to do. i feel really sorry for the people who don't make the most of their lives. who can they blame other than themselves? i know that i'm only allowed this allotted time and i'll be damned if i don't fulfill all the things i want in life. i will marry the love of my life and we will be happy until the day we die. i will have a big family with little rascals running around driving me insane. i will make the family i have left a huge part of my life. i will stay close with the friends i have now because they make me a better person. i will love my job because i want to be paid for something i love to do. lastly, i will go through all sorts of hardship, hardship that will only make me a stronger and better person. no one out there is plotting to ruin my life and it's on me to make it all i want it to be. so is it really all that short? do we really have no time to do what we want? college is your time to mess up. sex drugs and rock & roll so the saying goes. as long as i don't flunk out, why not have a little fun and live my life?! i'll have my partners in crime right by my side joining in me in the laughter that i don't want to ever fade from my life. two of the most simple things i love in life: sleep and laughing. there's a commercial out there of a baby laughing uncontrollably on a home video and they flash this phrase that says laughing adds eight years on to your life. i always wonder if the average person laughs less than i do and if so, i wonder if it would add more than eight years to my life.. point is, i don't want to be some schmuck who doesn't get to see the world for all its beauty and worth. i want to live my life to the utmost. i want to enjoy all the highs and the lows even though you really can't enjoy lows. i'll bask in the emotion later, once i've learned my lesson. forget the past. don't worry about the future. live for the now because it is a gift which is why it is called the present. make your life what you want it to be and don't live for anyone other than yourself. there's nothing stopping you. so take the world by full force and drain it of all the goodness you can.
peace and love. forever and always.
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| wonderwoman. |
[27 Apr 2009|01:24am] |
words cannot explain the emotion i felt last night. i don't see how things can be going so well, so normal and all the sudden, your world is upside down and you don't know what's going on. last night, sam natasha and myself were going on an innocent italian ice run to ritas. i was sitting in the front looking at sam as we were talking. everything is perfectly fine. all i hear is oh shit, brakes, glass, nothing. i wake up with my hands hugging my legs, my head down, my hands shaking, blood taking over my mouth. i smell something burning. i see smoke and sam with her head down. i hear tasha saying oh my god oh my god alyssa are you okay. sam, alyssa, get out of the car. i get out while making sure no one takes off my door. im shaking and crying without even realizing it. we rearended someone. i had never been in a car accident before and i can honestly say it was one of the freakiest experiences of my life. i busted my lip. its not very swollen anymore but its bruised and bloody looking on the inside. i must have bit it. i feel so lucky to be here. it makes me look at things pretty differently. nothing is as dramatic as it should be. no argument is as necessary as we think it is. in a single moment, all of it can be gone. we should really think about that more often. im sure in a month i won't even think of this accident or remember my exact fear.
i am just so insanely glad that we are all okay [including the others involved in the accident] and that nothing too major occurred. life is too short and last night made that way more obvious to me. it almost seems like it was a week ago that this happened but it was a little over 24 hours. i don't ever want to forget what happened and the way its made me look at things even though im sure i will. im alive and my friends are alive and unharmed. that's all i could really ask for. i love you all so much and you mean the world to me. <33 |
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| reflection. |
[21 Apr 2009|02:25am] |
i am strong because i am weak.
i am beautiful because i know my flaws.
i am a lover because i am a fighter.
i am fearless because i have been afraid.
i am wise because i have been foolish.
i can laugh because i've known silence.
everything that has happened in my life has made me stronger. everything has taught me a lesson whether i recognize it at the time or not. it's the little things in life i never want to forget. it's the people i take for granted every day that i never want to lose. but one day, they will leave and i'll be left with myself. what will i see? i don't want to be the type of person to dwell on the things i didn't do right or the things i didn't do at all. i want to look at all the good i created whether it be in relationships with people or in the deeds i did.
life is too short to be anything but happy.
so kiss slowly,
love deeply,
take chances
& never have regrets.
forget the past but
remember what it taught you.
personally, i will never be able to let go of my past. it has made me the person i am today and without it and my memories of the past, i lose myself. i live in the present no doubt, but it's impossible for me to forget my mistake or the things i want to keep with me every day. i don't want to make the same mistakes or miss out on opportunities. what do i have to lose? i need to learn to live for the moment and not be afraid of what might happen. i won't ever get those moments back. i need to take more chance, more risk without fear.
if looking back hurts you and looking forward scares you,
then look beside you and i will always be here for you.
my friends will always take priority. obviously, not over family but i consider my family my friends anyway. after tonight, i've decided that without my friends i would not be the person i am. i wouldn't be able to do the things i do; to say the things i say; to live the way i live. i embrace so much more when i am happy. i appreciate life and what's been given to me. i am blessed. it takes a lot for me to appreciate myself and what i am capable of but through my friends and their encouragement i have seen its possible and i have been more comfortable in myself and my ways. one new friend in particular has made it so clear to me:sweetheart,
you mean so much to me. in this little time i have gotten to know you,
you have proved your character in so many ways.
i wish you saw all the things you see in me in yourself.
you are - -
beautiful
strong
intelligent
funny
independent
caring
dangerous
complimentary
crazy
daring
respectful
thoughtful
trustworthy
reliable
opinionated
outrageous
stubborn
easy going
free.
you represent all of the things i wish i could be every single day. and while you tell me i am all these things and im able to do anything and everything, so can you. i admire you. i cannot wait til a summer of lazy days, scandalous nights, belligerence and obscenties, tears and hugs, long car rides, and the real start of our friendship. you're the piece of the puzzle i've been missing all my life. i see now how perfectly you fit.
people are going to want you; need you; exceed you; take you; love you; hate you; play you; rate you; save you; and break you, but that's what makes you...
no matter what future obstacles i might face, i know that i am not alone in living through them. my friends mean so much to me now more than ever. even if i don't voice my love and appreciation for them, i hope they all know how they help me specially in facing each day and wanting to continue living the way i am. you guys mean the world to mea nd i wouldn't trade you for anything. i am so glad to have all of you in my life. you have no idea.
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[13 Apr 2009|08:33pm] |
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alright. so im not having a good day for starters. well, lets go with bad weekend. i went home to spend easter weekend with family. there weren't many high points to the weekend though. like dinner was good but a certain person did something that i wish they hadn't. im a pretty strong believe in
practice what you preach. well i mean, if you're not going to do it, don't say it. you speak out so strongly against it and you bitch and you cry and you yell. then you do what pisses you off. im talking about drinking. i don't sit there and talk about how much i hate drinking. you complain about people drinking too much around you alllll the time and how you hate the way people act when they get wasted. well, that's what you did on sunday. your excuse : oh i gave up alcohol for lent so it's okay that i got schwasted. um i may be dumb sometimes but this answer isn't so obvious to me. who exactly said it was okay? you did. then you apologize later which is more for yourself than it is for me. you know that the only reason you really said sorry for getting 'tipsy" was so that you could feel better about yourself. it's not so much i mind that you got drunk. it's just you look like a total fucking hypocrit because you say you're so against drinking to get drunk. sure you have your small amount of alcohol a day or every couple days but you don't do it to get drunk, right? you worry about the alcoholism in this family but you forget that you're a factor in that simply by being in the family and drinking alcohol. sure, i get annoyed when people get belligerent and out of hand and sloppy which is why i limit myself. i am only responsible for myself and my own actions. im not going to try and dictate what people do. they make their own choice like i make mine. that's issue number one.
next, why do bad things happen to good people? i see this nonsense all the time and im just so insanely sick of it. i hate watching people go through hardship, duh. everyone does to a certain extent. i want to cry for you but my tears won't help. i don't know what to say to you. i don't know how to comfort you. i don't know how to help you. all i can do is be a shoulder. all i can do is listen and let you cry or scream or talk or whatever it is you need to do. i am here. all i can give to you is myself and i intend to do that to the utmost. i am so sorry. you are beautiful.
third, stop fucking FIGHTING. good lord. every time i turn around, you two are bickering and bitching and just pushing each others buttons. you push a little hear and then you pull a little back. you're fucking family. for real, knock it off; grow the fuck up; act your god damn age. [sorry to say GD]
last, i just don't understand you and why you get angry over certain things but not others. you should have been absolutely livid over my college boo boo. you cared more about the car window falling and you having to spend 20 minutes fixing it than that. you looked more disappointed than i've seen you in a while and i just don't understand. i kind of laugh on the inside just because it seems so farfetched and proposterous to me. maybe it's just because we're two completely different people and borderline opposites but i mean, still. it just doesn't seem normal.
that is the end of my venting session. im over this weekend. im over school. im over dumbass boys and what they do to my friends. you seem like you have power but let me just tell you straight up, YOU DON'T. go away. fuck over the people that deserve it.
fantabulous five are coming together this summer to stand up the penis. back down now while you can save face boys...
[nicole kam sam becky yours truly] get ready cuz here we come.
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| flashback. |
[08 Apr 2009|11:48pm] |
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wow.
i just re-read over some of my old posts to realize i had no life. i talked about the most pointless things.
onto what's been on my mind.
gentleman. well for the most part, you aren't really gentleman. you try and be all sweet in the beginning because you just want the girl to like you. then, once you get the girl, you turn into such a jerk. i hate watching friends get screwed over. i mean, it hasn't been done yet but my oracle and i have decided it will. who honestly wants to be in a controlling relationship? you must be out of your damn mind if you ask for shit like that. it's your life. make your own decisions. why would you ever base them on some guy you really haven't been with for that long? better yet, even known that long?! for real. i think i've switched a little bit to a guy mentality. i hooked up with someone who i had absolutely no feelings for; just for the sake of hooking up i suppose. it was sort of a tricky situation though. like, i really didn't want to but i couldn't say no. how unfortunate. it was fine though, whatever.
i am so unbelievably content with being single and independent. i've always thought i was a fairly independent person but i feel so now more than ever really. i am for sure not looking for a boyfriend right now. i don't really understand why some people feel its necessary to brag uncontrollably about their boyfriend. well la tee freaking da, you found a boyfriend. but it seems so fake, so ridiculously superficial. im waiting for someone worth it comes along; someone i know i can last a while with and not get bored or annoyed with. it seems like you settle. not like he's not up to your standards but he treats you like crap and its been less than a week. i don't want to go through that. i want to find someone who wants to be with me and i want to be with him. simple as that. i just hope you don't get too attached [more than you already are] and get hurt in the end. that's not how it should be.
if anything, make decisions for yourself. you can still be considerate of others while making yourself happy. i've learned that the hard way when people have walked over me but i stand my ground now. no more bullshit. i am an adult. i take responsibility for my actions. if that doesn't work for you, too bad. you make your choices and i make mine. end of story really.
my vow is to never let someone dictate the way i live my life. i will not make multiple and huge decisions based on someone else wanting me too. there has to be some desire on my part for me to cave to something. i don't know where im going with this at all but all i know is that i will be me no matter what.
im over the confusion. just go with the flow of life. im going home for easter and i couldn't be happier. i recently made a huge mistake in my life that i wish i could take back. well, actually, i don't know how much i mean that. this could really help my future decisions. i may have been the unlucky one to get caught but i've made peace with that much at least. i have court in a couple weeks which will be an experience in itself. hopefully, things will run smoothly. i didn't know how long it would take for my mom to get over it but we've already had several good conversations since the day i told her. i must say, the phone conversation was the lowest point of my life. disappointing her was like shooting myself in the foot. i wish i could take that part back. everything else is find basically because it's on me and no one else. i screwed up and now i am dealing with the repercussions. i have never felt worse in my entire life. anywho, i can't wait to go home and get slapped and then hugged by my mom. i want my dad and i to get closer and i want my overall relationship with my parents to be even more honest than it already is.
live your life. think before you speak. realize what you say and do. but live without inhibitions.
there are too many things to consider when you're living life. just do it.
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[17 Sep 2005|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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groggy |
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music |
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jc chasez -- song from drumline |
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football game last night. we lost 14-26 i was so mad whatever after school i went home with gina ! i love how she can drive now b/c its so much fun just like talking and not worrying about oh can i say this in front of my mom. so yah then we hung out at her house for like 1/2 and hour when we decided we wanted to make signs ! lol so we drove to publix and bought some posters. we wanted a foghorn/air horn thing but you had to go to sports authority to get one so we were just like nvm. so we went home, ordered pizza and got ready. it was so fun gina and i both wore black and gold socks (one balck one gold) , and jean minis. lol and i wore our soccer shirt and she wore this one she made alst year. it was so much fun just like cheering and shit. then we went to club bv afterwards which was fun. danced with mike and stuff... idk it was fun. then i came home at midnight talked to aj for about 1 minute and went ot bed lol i was sooo tired i didtn wake up til 245 this morning.. or afternoon !
<3
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